F is for Wryday (58)

June 23, 2011

No homage to humor is complete without a record of classic insults:

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
– Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
– William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

‘Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?’
– Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
– Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
– Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
– Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.”
– George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
– Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
– Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
– Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
– Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
– Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him..”
– Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
– Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
– Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
– Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”
– Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
– Groucho Marx

‘There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.’
– Jack E. Leonard

‘He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.’
– Robert Redford

‘They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.’
– Thomas Brackett Reed

‘He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.’
– Billy Wilder

‘He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.’
– Abraham Lincoln

‘A modest little person, with much to be modest about. ‘
– Winston Churchill

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”
He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”


F is for Wryday (56)

June 17, 2011

Please read these with the usual and potential disclaimers in mind*

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
“I think it’s got epilepsy” he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.
Paddy says “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.
————
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the thing up.
————
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No” shouts Paddy “this is her husband!”
————
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says “For gods sake Paddy that’s your air freshener swinging about!”
————
An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.
His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
He does but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
“Here boy” he replies.
————
Paddy’s in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“What the hell you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself” Paddy replies.
“It should be around your neck” says the Guard.
“I know” says Paddy “but I couldn’t breathe”.
———–
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
“Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “Sure if they fell forwards they’d still be in the bloody boat.”

* You know? This is not meant to offend Irishmen, blokes called Paddy, goldfish, people with epilepsy, doormats, pregnant women experiencing contractions, first born children … scuba divers.


F is for Wryday (55)

June 9, 2011

I can’t remember how many Wryday’s I’ve posted on the theme of old age … just as well, I suppose!

Anyhow, this meditative reflection was sent to me … er … some time ago by … er … mmm … somebody.

A beautiful message about growing older


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Walk with me by the water …
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Bugger …
Forgot the words …


To the best of my recollection, I’m not much into talking animal videos but this one made me chuckle:


F is for Wryday (54)

June 2, 2011

According to a very reliable source (aka, random arrivals to my inbox) these jokes top the lot:

The winning joke (apparently based on a 1951 Goon Show episode)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. His companion calls emergency services.

He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”.

“Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” The operator says

There is a silence … a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the companion says “OK, now what?”

In second place

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” exclaims Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

“Elementary my dear Watson, somebody’s stolen our tent.”

In third place

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

—————-

Meanwhile, in the real (!?) world, Desi, on Catholica, came across this gem from Archbishop Cranmer’s blog.

Pope in a boat

There were a number of amusing captions, including:
Pope in a boat?
Popescull?
Row, row, row your pope, gently down a stream…
The puntiffmobile?
His Rowliness, the Supreme Puntiff, Bishop of Row, of The Holy sea, Vatican Shippy, PrimeShipmate of Italy.
The seacred vessel?
Papal Infloatability?
Godola.

But my favorite:
Papal Sea men in berth control experiment