F is for Wryday (119)

April 18, 2013

I dare ya not to be amused by this:

She’s probably not listening the ‘Dancing Queen’ but it kinda fits.

Thanks to ‘S’ on FB for the link and I think even Beyond the Pews lurkers (hey John!) will break into a smile (if they’re sure no one is looking).


F is for Wryday (116)

March 14, 2013

Can’t help myself:

pope-francis


F is for Wryday (115)

March 8, 2013

A little known fact

For those who haven’t heard, Washington State just passed two new laws – gay marriage and legalised marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says “If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”

We just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before!


F is for Wryday (114)

February 28, 2013

An old favourite:

Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

Honourable mention:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
________________________________________

I think the list is examplary (excellent examples), trenscendent (so good it should start a trend) and destined for the adiom (new words and expressions).


F is for Wryday (113)

February 15, 2013

A bit harsh, but funny:

pontif_job


F is for Wryday (112)

February 14, 2013

There is much clamoring and speculation and conspiracy theory activity surrounding the resignation of Pope Benedict, but variations on the theme of ‘Ex-Benedict’ do need to be kept for the record.

ex_ben

Eggcellent! Cracked me up! The idea is not original, I poached it. The image took no time to hatch! Etc, etc …


F is for Wryday (111)

February 14, 2013

bacon

Can’t help myself, when I saw Milly’s Facebook image I just had to respond:

Terrible, just terrible. PUNishment is in order:

What kind of pig knows karate?
A pork chop!

What is the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
For swine flu you need oinkment, and for bird flu you need tweetment!

Why did the pig take a bath?
He heard the farmer yell “Hogwash!”

What is a pig’s favorite ballet?
Swine Lake!

Why don’t thieves steal pigs?
Because they always squeal!

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork!

Why is the farmer worried about catching his runaway pig?
He knows a little ham goes a long way!

Take that!


F is for Wryday (110)

January 31, 2013

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit I’m a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters
*****
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley


F is for Wryday (108)

November 16, 2012

Another classic from Milly’s Facebook postings:


F is for Wryday (107)

November 8, 2012

OK, it’s weird. I know. I just love watching the Americans do their own peculiar form of democracy. But this is Wryday and our ABC has come to the party:

See more in US election memes: the best and funniest of the internet. As a bonus it might help you understand what a bleeping meme is.