F is for Wryday (119)

I dare ya not to be amused by this:

She’s probably not listening the ‘Dancing Queen’ but it kinda fits.

Thanks to ‘S’ on FB for the link and I think even Beyond the Pews lurkers (hey John!) will break into a smile (if they’re sure no one is looking).

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This video seems to accurately show how many arguments go … only it’s funnier:

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Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

“That’s so clever” the woman gasps. “How did you do it?”

“Easy” replies the man. “These are my khakis”.

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You think that’s weak? Think again:

The new pope gets up on the morning after the election and goes to the kitchen thinking about making himself some toast, spread with dulce de leche washed down with a bowl of mate.

Before he gets there a Cardinal interrupts his passage and insists that from now on he must order his breakfast from the kitchen and that his cooking days are over.

‘We have two fine English cooks, Sister Margaret and Sister Christina, at your service Your Holiness’.

Francesco is a little miffed, not only because he can’t cook his own breakfast but that his cooks are English (memories of the Malvinas are hard, even for a humble man, peace-loving, man to suppress).

So he continues to the kitchen to meet the good sisters and makes a good impression.

‘What will we have this morning, Sisters?’, he asks tentatively.

‘It’s a special day, Your Holiness, so we are preparing a full English Breakfast!’

‘Forgive me sisters but it brings to mind a song’.

‘Don’t fry for me Marg and Tina’.

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Can’t help myself:

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A little known fact

For those who haven’t heard, Washington State just passed two new laws – gay marriage and legalised marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says “If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”

We just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before!

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An old favourite:

Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

Honourable mention:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
________________________________________

I think the list is examplary (excellent examples), trenscendent (so good it should start a trend) and destined for the adiom (new words and expressions).

Shut it

I was browsing a few favorites the other day when I came upon Australia Incognita’s post, No Mr Mullins, the Pope’s resignation does not mean married priests!, where ‘Mr Mullins’ (he’s a priest actually, the ‘Mr’ is pointed) speculates that a Pope who can break a long standing precedent such as ‘Pope for life’ can open the way for a future Pope to change the rules on celibacy.

In an earlier post AI expresses a hope that a new Pope might continue a trajectory more in keeping with her own particular form of Catholic outlook (in short, a ‘trad’) but this is not an ‘agenda piece’ in the way that Mr Mullins wishful thinking is.

But beyond the spat, what struck me was the image at the end:

Rich in symbolism, eh? It’s an image from the 50s (or even earlier). It is a man holding up his hand to assert his authority. There is no discussion or even a mention of the issues.

In contrast and with no bias whatsoever, I offer this gem gleaned from Facebook (thanks to Milly … again!).

No agenda there eh?

PS. I would have attempted to respond to AI as I have in the past, but like the image symbolises, strongly expressed counter views are not welcome.

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A bit harsh, but funny:

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There is much clamoring and speculation and conspiracy theory activity surrounding the resignation of Pope Benedict, but variations on the theme of ‘Ex-Benedict’ do need to be kept for the record.

Eggcellent! Cracked me up! The idea is not original, I poached it. The image took no time to hatch! Etc, etc …

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Can’t help myself, when I saw Milly’s Facebook image I just had to respond:

Terrible, just terrible. PUNishment is in order:

What kind of pig knows karate?
A pork chop!

What is the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
For swine flu you need oinkment, and for bird flu you need tweetment!

Why did the pig take a bath?
He heard the farmer yell “Hogwash!”

What is a pig’s favorite ballet?
Swine Lake!

Why don’t thieves steal pigs?
Because they always squeal!

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork!

Why is the farmer worried about catching his runaway pig?
He knows a little ham goes a long way!

Take that!